Life. Randomness. And Soul.

This is just a quick blurb to wish everyone a happy new year. I will officially be celebrating mine in the spring with the Spring Equinox. LOL. Well, I guess this post is just to vent a bit…. I wrote this on the first and I’m going to finally share….

Happy New Gregorian calendar year! It’s a mouthful I know. I have chosen to officially celebrate my new year in March around the time of the spring equinox. It used to be that way, but I’ll save the history lesson. I’ve been reading a lot of people saying that “New Year. New Me.” jazz and honestly it’s annoying. I know I can be a wet blanket and liar to say that I didn’t declare some type of drastic change from 2011. Mine just comes from more of a metaphysical place. I believe in divination. So, I did my personal year number which was 9 for 2011 and 1 for 2012. I already wrote a long drawn out blog on this so I won’t necessarily repeat myself. I just know now is the year to begin whatever it is I plan to do. I cannot be stagnant or lazy. I have already begun January breaking my diet (which is hard to keep if you haven’t been grocery shopping) and giving into my procrastination.

IDK. I’m that person who just doesn’t know what she wants sometimes. It’s hard battling yourself, but I am my only limitation. I put my feelings on the table and they end up being hurt sometimes. Yet, it’s for me to find out. I need to learn which walls to keep up and which to bulldoze down. I am starting to break out of my comfort zone with the help of my sister and friends. Tomorrow, I’m going job hunting. I haven’t worked on the south side of town, but a place is hiring so what can it hurt? Maybe I’ll get it.

I’m just determined to change a lot in my life from eating to how I interact with people. I’m changing my cypher. There are so many people and situations that I need to distance myself from because it makes no sense to try and grow when everyone else around you is standing still. I’ve noticed that with some people I’m around. Some of them are growing, but many are actually regressing. It’s scary to know that someone is comfortable following the crowd when you know they possess more fire. I understand why people got so frustrated with me when I settled or did enough just to get by. It’s so important to have people believe in you. No matter what anyone says, that outside support does matter. Some people go hard alone because they either can’t work with others or lack that extra support. I always joke and say that if I wanted to build a ladder to the moon out of macaroni noodles, my mom would laugh at me but help me draw the blueprints and build.

I’ve always had support. Always. That’s why I try to be supportive. Without my family giving me love, I wouldn’t have it. It’s so draining to go out into a world where people are so stuck up that they forget you are a person with emotions. There is so much negative energy to pull you down. Everybody needs someone that they can just vibe with whether it’s a friend, parent, spouse, pet, whoever. It hurts to know that no one is in your corner or the person who was supposed to be there abandoned you. My sister and I got into it because I abandoned her. The one person who I know will be there in my corner when everything is said and done. I know how she felt. I won’t begin to get too deep in here because these are just writings and I’m not willing to open up that much yet. I hold a lot of hurt inside. I don’t let it out because I believe that I can fix myself when I know it takes more than that. It’s the holding that hurts.

Buuuut, a new resolution I guess I’m sticking to is: If you don’t have anything to say, please kindly shut the fuck up. So what she has 4 kids with 4 different guys? So what she has crazy weave? So what he has a grill? Let people do them. That’s what’s wrong with society. So concerned with the next person instead of what they’re doing. It’s like driving and worrying about the car next to you that you miss your turn or collide with someone else. I’m guilty of it. I’ve missed plenty of turns worrying about someone else. The thing is I keep ending up on the same road which is a sign that I need to focus on what I’m doing. No one is living your life so why live someone else’s? Don’t put more into someone else than you place into yourself. I can’t afford to waste and invest any of my time or energy into other people who don’t care about me.

One thing I’ve noticed is I’m letting go of the past. I no longer dislike anyone. It’s just actions and attitudes I’m distancing myself away from. I’m paying attention to people and their actions.

I need to stay humbled. I have learned a lot through loss but I have also been blessed through it. I lost my grandfather, but I gained lessons and freedom. I have a nephew. I lost lights and heat but I learned unity and patience. It’s a lot that you can learn in certain situations. I think a situation will continue as long as you continue the behavioral pattern. For example, if you gossip with birds, you will have to worry about these same birds gossiping about you. True story. When you stop and detach from it, everything changes. You break cycles and shackles. No one else can free you. It’s just a lot of us have a slave mentality and continue to subject ourselves to things we don’t have to. You get treated how you treat others and allow yourself to be treated. While I don’t agree with domestic violence, I believe after a while you want the beatings. People say that you can’t tell anyone anything because of “Love” but love doesn’t leave bruises. Love doesn’t try to kill you. Love doesn’t assault you in front of your kids. But loneliness might. Lack of self love will. So yes, you welcome them. Until you love yourself enough to know your worth and walk away, you are welcoming the bullshit. There is no other explanation.

Today I learned that I am above the bullshit I allow myself to be subjected to. I always tried to be the pacifist in situations, but I’ve learned I’m more like a rabid pitbull. When I want to get something across, I do and I don’t care who/what gets murdered in the process. I have to learn to accept opinions for others as their own. My mom told me that everyone doesn’t think like me and she was right. If they did, this world would be a very dangerous place.