Here goes another night where I am awake. The only difference is that this time I am actually sitting down to analyze my problems instead of running from them. Last night, I started by contacting people who consistently have reached out to me and I have just turned the other cheek. Tonight, I woke up thinking about how my period is late and I know that I am not ready for baby number 2 yet. Instead of this swelter and puss in my soul, I decided to just write my feelings, albeit publicly.
I never knew really how alone you are until you have to face your own problems. You think you have the support of others until you realize that they only want something to either leverage or to wear a badge. I am a silent sufferer. I prefer not to air my problems because people have their own motives to listen. I can be awake having an anxiety attack and can think of one person who would even give a shit to listen. Every one has to work, is tired, wants something to gossip about, etc. I can be wrong, but sometimes I am not about these things. I stay guarded so that no one can get to me because I don’t have the capacity to deal with being stabbed again and again in the back.
I stayed “busy” and inconsistent because of small difficulties. Instead of correcting the issues when they were small, I let them grow in mountains. I started having anxiety attacks, high blood pressure and serious anger issues because I feel like a failure. I feel as if I should be further along in life. I feel that I am letting my daughter down. All of these feelings that I keep to myself eat at me from the inside out. I care too much even when I say that I don’t. I tried to be this careless person but that is not me. I flirted knowing if my boyfriend did the same, he would be picking up his teeth from the floor. I wanted attention so badly that I just disrespected him in a sense so him not being around for a reason is becoming a sick sense of karma. I isolated myself to find myself and found out I was more lost than when I began.
I was about to delete some of this stuff, but fuck it. My conscience needs to breathe.
I keep talking about how I have a business and jumping into other opportunities when I can even get my shit straight, My mom always talked about how I never finish things and do things on my time. I lack focus and rive because everything has always come to me so easily.. It still does but I just took advantage of it. I get opportunities, say things I don’t mean and make commitments that I fully never wanted. I just really let myself go and didn’t feel bad. I developed a false sense of arrogance and I just thought I was better than everyone instead of putting myself into a real perspective. I lashed out and grew into someone who was just downright evil. I have had many opportunities to walk from bullshit, but I engaged in things and situations that I should not have.
*Runaway by Kanye just came on. Man…*
I said things that I didn’t mean to just be evil or to hurt someone and the things I do mean, I never say. I know it’s random to compare yourself to characters, but I see myself as Piper Chapman from Orange is the New Black (great series btw). It’s like you’re an ass and self centered, but everyone sees it and you don’t until you actually have to eat your shit. Now, I’m not saying that I am not glad that I have not become more assertive, but I have become a bitch. I turned into the person that I didn’t think I was. Being in a perfect bubble is anything but. You become ungrateful and just take things for granted. For example, my boyfriend works everyday because he wants me to stay at home and focus on the baby, school, and business. I am not in school and bitch about the time he spends away from me. Many people are not in my situation and I should be grateful. Yet, I complain about how much of an ass he can be. Yeah, because playing NBA 2K14 and giving your daughter a controller so she can feel like she’s playing is so terrible. It keeps her busy and gives me a chance to breathe. I take my home for granted, my talents, just everything and I feel like a douche for even using the pronoun “i” right now. I tend to try to explain everything like it justifies or makes things better when it’s just a cop out as to not make me feel as bad and hide the truth. Reality is still there when you step outside of your delusion.
I look at all of the time I wasted making excuses and being in my own world instead of being proactive. Spitting sayings like I was some type of positive guru when it was just to convince myself that I was right in my doings. The smallest thing becomes an excuse and I just piggyback off of it. I look for sympathy and compassion to keep doing the same stupid shit. I refuse to keep doing this. I worked so hard to be someone I am not and I am willing to sacrifice them to keep who I am.
*I don’t care if someone reads all of this. I’m feeling so much better right now. Being honest with yourself is hard, but necessary.*
I am blessed to have the things that I do and the people that I do have in my life. There are people out here who really wish bad on you & want to harm you. Those are the issues I need to deal with. I need to get off of my ass and make my life better. I need to apologize to those I have hurt and be honest. I need to be who I am.
*Thank you for reading this post. I really appreciate it.*