Loss is a hard thing for anyone to deal with and it just hurts when it happens to you. A while back, I wrote about my best friend’s grandfather passing and mine passed on the 18th of this month. I was int he room with him and I was scared. It’s been a little over 24 hours and the image of his lifeless body still haunts me. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that my grandfather meant a little more than everything to me. He was my rock. He practically was my father and to see someone who used to e strong just taken away from kills you a little bit. I cry from time to time and I don’t even want to go to the funeral. But I think I agree with my mom when she says I need closure. To get the last image out of my mind. It’s so hurtful that the last time I saw my grandfather he had a dazed look, closed his eyes and left.
I look around at the tears, the phone calls, the amount of people who my grandfather have affected and I know that he lived a good life and he wants us to do the same. He doesn’t want us to fight, but he wants us to do what’s right. The only way he’ll die is if we neglect the lessons he’s taught us and pass them on. He
was is a man of integrity and courage, a standard by which I judge all men who enter my life. There are good times I’ll remember and the bad. I can say though I was there for both.
I just don’t want to look at the faces of guilt because I feel no sympathy for them. None. They weren’t crying or rushing to see him when he was hungry or wet or even alone. They didn’t call to see if he could needed someone. This isn’t all but most. That’s the reason why I hate funerals. People mourn, but do they ever think that this person may have had it right? He taught us how to love, how to be respectful. But I can say a lot of us don’t live up to that. That’s what I don’t get. Death affects people in many ways, but rarely does someone completely change because a part of their life is gone. No one has to live in the house but my sister and I.
I’ve become more focused and serious about the things I need I need to do and how to depend on myself. I’ve been a bit irritable and slightly anal because, again, I was there. People aren’t going to like me. I don’t deal well with sympathy because my grandfather always made it clear if you were sorry, you shouldn’t have done it. He always told us to show love and not just say it. I just wish the people who talked to, raised, help pump their tires, etc. can just measure up to him a little. He left some big shoes to fill.
He always told me ‘Don’t say goodbye because goodbye means you’re going away for a long time.’ so I refuse to. I’ll see you later old man.